“I refuse to let any man disrespect or take advantage of me, only a weak man intimidates women, most men can’t handle an independent woman, they want a puppet not a lover” are the words of Favor Mercy, a fashion designer in her early twenties who recently broke up with her boyfriend of two years, a relationship she compared to a pot of hot beans because of the constant conflicts between them. An indigene of cross river state, Favor has her mind ser on being a successful independent fashion designer with hopes of having a success story like the Alakija’s. The mindset is quite similar to a growing number of young girls and women in Nigeria today who have set their life trajectory and are insistent on “not letting any man disrupt their life goals or place them as second class citizens”. Favor who says although her car salesman boyfriend did his best financially he was also emotionally and mentally abusive to her, always insulting her at the slightest provocation, “I met him through a mutual friend, in the beginning he was very nice as usual, always complimenting my looks but later on he began to jocularly throw jibes at me, initially it used to be funny but it stopped being funny when it became incessant so I told him to stop, he wouldn’t so I insulted him back one day and I could see the sting in his eye, he threatened to beat me up and I dared him, I think that shook him up if not I’m sure he would have beaten me, he apologized later and I forgave him but didn’t forget, then I began to notice his selfishness, he would always try to stop me from hanging out with friends but he and his friends go clubbing almost every night which was usually the bone of contention, don’t you get it, he’s telling me to not to enjoy this beautiful gift of life God has given me while he enjoys his to the fullest, now you see why I had to dump him, I feel One thousand times lighter, I can’t deal with such mediocrity, that’s the way men are”. As opposed to the old popular Yoruba adage of women and early prime, a considerable number of young girls like Favor now seem to enjoy riding the singles train with some of them engaging friends with benefits and occasional random men for sexual satisfaction, while others sometimes go as far as using sex toys with claims of keeping themselves focused on their Life and allowing themselves room for personal development. Another amusing claim is that it helps them escape the stress of “Men and their Drama.”
Owing to various reasons, ranging from feminism to sexual promiscuity on both sides and also domestic abuse to insatiable sexual appetite, there are various reasons Feminism is fast gaining track along with a very large growing number of single mothers in Nigeria today who would rather remain so than engage in full time relationships.
The 21st century has featured the advent of major turning points in the history of Nigeria; one of the highlights being the period Nigerian women began to lose their enthusiasm towards early marriage and cared more about freewill. With most of these women having been victims of heartbreak or fraud they always shy away from serious relationships, sometimes making it seem like a battle of wits during interactions with the opposite sex.
Another interesting highlight of the 21st century is the high rate of Contract Marriage where both parties table their demands and intentions before reaching a consensus for an arranged marriage which can always be renewed over time. Most of these contract marriages are orchestrated by women trying to avoid being stigmatized by the society; some even go as far as initiating and covering the expenses of the wedding ceremony most times very glamorous and expensive.
In some homes especially during this recent economic recession where a lot of people lost their jobs, women have become the de facto breadwinners, an example is the case of Ketu market women, most of whom keep complaining bitterly of being the only ones bringing money home while their husbands waste away at drinking joints and betshops, spending whatever little winnings they make on alcohol and young girls or that of 28 year old Adijat Oseni, a mother of three (3) little kids under the age of 8 living in the Ishaga environs area of Lagos state, who sells stationery and doubles as a cleaner in a school. Asides fending for the three children and herself, she still has to support her husband and his family they are staying with on her meagre income of Ten thousand “I cry whenever I think about my current situation, I used to be pretty and naive then I became pregnant with the first kid which was what led me to move in with him and his family. My husband changed towards me after the first child, he became cold and distant, i was actually contemplating nursing the child to a stage and going on my own then he managed to trick me into getting pregnant for him again, it was after the second pregnancy I saw his game plan all along was to entrap me into being with him, he never fulfilled any of his promises, now I’m stuck with him”. Adijat works all day then goes home to clean all night whereas her electrician husband spends his days womanizing at drinking joints and his nights venting his frustration on his young wife and little kids.
Many incidents similar to these continue to weaken the little faith women still have in the institution of marriage with some engaging in brazen polyhandry. Some disappointed ones have even vowed never to get married or remarry, despite the popular myth of women being in abundance than men.
Adex Oyemade a fast rising hiphop artiste who talked on abusive men and feminists put most of the blame on the background and insecurity of both sexes, he also cited ego as a general issue that needed to be reviewed ” I really believe that background matters, probably their fathers weren’t Dad of the year material or their past relationships were a bust, some women might even be trying to avoid letting their kids become exposed to situations like theirs growing up hence they choose being single mothers. I also sincerely believe we all have flaws but some people are just naturally damaged than others because I believe only a damaged man would want to damage his woman, Ego on women’s part boils down to their insistence on equality, they want to take charge of the relationship but men being naturally domineering and territorial won’t bulge, thus bringing about crisis. All these things aren’t rocket science, all you need to do is examine the situation from all points of view and you’ll get the picture. A different ball game but the same rule, Be Tolerant. This applies to everybody including our celebrities who flaunt their relationships on social media then in a matter of months, you start hear messy divorce or breakup details, nobody wants to chill for the other, we all should cultivate patience”
Another perspective to looking at career women is that some men feel intimidated and jealous when their wife becomes successful especially more than the husband, it stirs up resentment which sometimes leads to despicable acts, such as selling the wife’s properties and running away with the mistress or even worse still, kill the wife and move in with the mistress. Several recorded cases have taught a few of these women not to trust men at all, those who originally acquired properties in their husbands name are fast correcting their perceived mistake.
The advent of social media has also contributed to the number of single ladies in the society; Facebook and Instagram, Watsapp are now the major tools of these single ladies who have made social media their office where they conduct business with wealthy men who are willing to spend big just to impress them. At the same time Social Media has destroyed several relationships with allegations of infidelity and immaturity stemming from both men and women.
A commercial sex worker who operates a drinking joint at Ogba, simply identified as Lady Labake remarked that “my best customers are married men, they are very experienced and caring. Every woman already knows her man doesn’t belong to her alone because men are born cheaters and should also have it in mind they are sharing their wives”
A funny incident played out a couple of weeks back in the Odogbolu axis of Ketu when an unidentified serial adulterer caught his wife cheating on him, the man raised an alarm hoping his neighbors would mobilize and lynch the lover but in a surreal twist of events, neighbors simply gathered and booed him, telling him not to disturb them with his headache.
“What is happening to the world, everything has changed and is still worsening” were the words spoken by Mary Adesanya, a retired Accountant and Deaconess at the Christ Apostolic Church, Transformation Power who lost her husband a few years ago, “truly the endtime is near because the devil is really at work, woman was taken from the rib of man hence total submission for women and total affection from men. Men of nowadays should also slow down also, Divorce and sexual immorality are sins. Our churches are filled with boys who come to scout for girls not praise God and our girls dress provocatively then you talk about men being dogs, you can’t expect to catch a lion using fishnets. I was married to my late husband for three decades and half, although we had our ups and downs but we stuck together. Our tradition and values are disappearing; most of what we call civilization is decadence. Marriage is an institution of God, for better for worse”.
According to New Telegraph findings, some of the females have joined pro – feminism associations and movements who sometimes go as far as recommending adoption and artificial insemination for their members instead of being “trapped” under a man, One of their favorite quote is the proverbial using a long spoon when dining with the devil.
